Return Of The Salesman
by Wolfie
Summary: This is my version of events of what happened in 'Return of the Jedi'. I just edited it for all of you who are interested.


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: This is my own version of the scene where Luke battle's Vader and Palpatine. None of the product's characters belong to me.  
  
Enjoy.  
  
  
  
RETURN OF THE SALESMAN  
  
Luke was marched squirming down the corridor where Vader lay in wait.  
  
"Honestly guys," he yelled at the storm troopers, "I'm only trying to sell cloaks to go with your uniforms."  
  
Luke gulped as he approached Vader.  
  
"Father," he began, "I've come to turn you back to the lightside, I know I can convince you that black is not your colour but perhaps pastels are."  
  
"There is nothing that you can do, I've just got too used to wearing black, anyway I don't think pastels would go with my mask."  
  
"Take him to my Master," Vader commanded.  
  
" You mean your Mother," Luke muttered under his breath.  
  
"I see you have brought the salesman," Palpatine hissed.  
  
"He will join us or never make a sale again"  
  
"NEVER!!!" Luke shouted. Just then he saw that Palpatine had his favourite lightsaber with him. He needed that make, badly. He hadn't made a good sell in weeks because usually he was able to scare them into buying.  
  
Luke magically produced his Salesman Trade bag. Rummaging around in it, he pulled out, Darth Mauls lightsaber, one of Queen Armadillos outfits, a Banta and the Cantina band. Finally he found what he was looking for.  
  
"Here it is," he shouted happily, "Oil of Ulay replenishing cream. It will take the years of you Palpy. Undo all the damage the Darkside has done to your skin.  
  
"Don't call me that," Palpatine growled.  
  
"Whatever you say Palpy," Luke quipped.   
  
"Ooooh, I see you have Fireworks," Luke called excitedly .He moved over to the window to where the Ties fighters were blowing up the X-wings.  
  
"Give in to your anger," Palpatine said menacingly, "fight me"  
  
  
"It doesn't matter really. I still get my commission on those sells weather or not they blow up." Luke watched for a few for seconds and occasionally shouted, "WOWEE DID YOU SEE THAT!"  
  
"I am afraid young salesman," Palpatine began. "but I will not be paying in cash.  
  
  
"WHAT!?!" Luke shouted angrily. "You have failed me for the last time."  
  
Hey that's my line," Palpatine intervenes sounding very hurt"  
  
" I only deal with customers who pay in directly." He called his lightsaber to him and ran to 'scare' Palpatine. Vader jumped in front of him and they both fought furiously.  
  
  
"Your mind betrays you young salesman, your sister will sell merchandise to us"  
  
"NEVER!" yells Luke as the fighting intensifies so does the music.  
  
"I will Survive" is blasting out from all the speakers.  
  
"I WILL SURVIVE, AS LONG AS I HAVE MERCHANDISE, I MIGHT JUST STAY ALIVE. I'VE GOT ALL MY STOCK TO SELL, CUSTUMERS NOT TO KILL.I WILL SURVIVE!"  
  
In the background Palpatine is trying on the new cream. He appears to be getting frustrated with it and is jumping up down as he tries to get the nozzle off.  
  
Luke decides to cheat and takes out his Darth Maul lightsaber. Vader starts mumbling very loudly. His breathing is getting heavy and after awhile Luke throws him a packet of Halls. "Here try theses," he calls, "2 packs for the price of one"  
  
Vader performance improves after he eats some and his voice loses its flemmy tone. Luke swings at Vader but misses pathetically, Vader knocks his lightsaber out of his hand.  
  
"Hey you IDIOT!!!" Yells Luke. "THAT'S A COLLECTERS ITEM. I'll SUE IF IT GETS DAMAGED."   
  
A very angry looking Palpatine storms over to where Luke is now sitting sulking on the ground. Oil of Ulay is smeared all over his face and blue lighting is coming out of his hands.  
  
"It's not working!!", He cries . "I want it working now! I have a date tomorrow!  
  
Luke visibly sallows . "UMM it takes 8 days." His eyes are looking fearfully at the lighting getting bigger on Palpatines hands.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! STOP!! THAT HURTS!"   
  
Palpatine is grinning wickedly "I'll teach you to sell me faulty merchandise."  
  
"Father, help me and I'll give you a bionic leg and foot or arm and a hand"  
  
Vader is now lost in thought. (Arm or leg. Hand or foot. Arm or leg…..)  
  
This goes on for several minutes Luke is by now as red as a lobster.  
  
"Listen if you hurry up I'll throw in a bionic eye"  
  
"Arm and a leg," Vader says triumphantly, pleased that he made that decision in under 30 minutes.  
  
Vader picks up Palpatine and throws him into a power conduit (does this seem familiar??) Palpatine immediately bounces back up.  
  
"Hmm," Luke muses, "I could sell the cream as super stretchy rubber"  
  
Vader's brain somehow begins to work and he notices a large group of angry X-wing buyers coming to kill Luke.  
  
The last we see of Luke and Vader are both of them running, screaming away from the docking bay towards the escape pods.  
  
("Please don't be run by windows," Luke is silently begging in his mind)  
  
I will Survive is still playing in the background.  
  
The end.  
  
  
All feedback is appreciated. Please review.  
  
A/N: I cringe everytime I read this story. It reminds me of how navie I was in writing humor and my grammer was really bad. I've just given it a quick check over now. All the mistakes!! Woah this is bad. Okay there are still a few left but I'm only correcting it in notepad. If you see any please point them out.   
  



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